Crushed by Words

The Night and Early Morning…

Crushed by words spoken from a close friend
They hurt most when you realize them to be true
Now I am left hurt, soft and broken
I am a failure. Most would contemplate suicide
I just mourn in self pity and self hate
I do try. I am afraid. I do fear fun and drunkenness
I fear something I can even explain
It is constant and bothersome
But I can’t fight it for I am too weak
Too busy indulging it what I believe will make me happy
It only wastes time. Time I could use to actually live.
I don’t know what I life
Did I grow up too fast? I must have.
For all those around are partying and enjoying these years
I sit alone, and it is by choice, why God?
All those who know me and talk to me agree
I have a problem. One not easily fixed
Even now I resent what I have done to this point
I know it is nothing. I want to burn my past
I want to start anew. Some would say it is just anxiety
Just me being a teenager. Worrying and stuff like that
I am driving myself down a dead end road.
I have no confidence. I have no respect for myself.
I have nothing that I could ever use in the real world
Still dreaming like the child I wish I still was
I have no path, no light, nothing. I am alone
I’ve messed up on everything.
I thought if I just did what I felt was right I’d be happy.
I was wrong. I ruined my life.
I am bound to crash and burn. I will die alone
Sadness will soon over come me
The time is fast approaching. The clock ticks.
My red sun will rise and I will fall
Depression is worse then death. It a coma of evil
That’s my fate. That’s my end
Thank you kind friend. For now I know
There may be hope for me. Probably not
If I seem mad, I am. If I am act sad, I am.
If you think I seriously should get some help, then it’s true.
I am in a fog and there is no one to guide me
What should I do? For you, the one I trust most, has abandoned me
Now I fall in a painful sleep. Alone, and it’s by my own choice
I cry for myself. All there is left is pity
I weep quietly. This way I won’t mess up anything but myself
That way I control the stupidity and horror.
I contain the bad so the good and spread
Help me God. You said you would. I am waiting
These tears are for you; you alone.
All those I thought I loved and thought they loved me…
I was wrong again. So damn wrong.
Why do you give me hope and faith?
It only drags me deeper in my self-created doom
Do you want to see me cry in agony as I burn in Hell?
Is that all that is left? I know I am not heaven bound.
Can you save this lost, half-believer?
Is there something in this world that will ever make sense?
Is this Hell? That’s what it feels like
The angels’ wings are clipped. I receive no comfort
Only ghosts that remind me of the pain I know so well
Do you think I need to be reminded of every little thing wrong with me?
I don’t! I know. Every frigging day I am reminded. It hurts so very much.
I want to huddle in a corner and hold myself. But I cannot.
Then they would know! Then they would see that I am truly not alright
And they would use that weakness and use me like they have always done
But it would be worse, so much worse if they saw and fully knew.
Nothing brings me back to any moment of great joy
That’s because there are none. I have never felt that
Leave me. Save yourself. Learn from my mistake
Screw morals, break laws, forget about worrying about grade
Live, god damn live your life. Don’t mess up like I did.
Please, look at me and hate everything you see
That way you’ll learn and fear becoming me.
There is not much worse then this. I am nothing and always have been
Don’t trip on the same stubs I have.
Live your life to the fullest and happiness will follow
Just live. Don’t worry. Fear is the worse evil
Fear is what brought me down
Live! That’s all you have to do.
Please…for my dreams, do what I say and I will one day smile
And say ‘they listened…I finally did something good’

08/08/05






In My Bed…

I lay sleepless. The pain in my ears grows
It is all the thundering voices yelling that they are ashamed
Screaming pity for me as I weep softly.
True friend had spoken words of comfort in the early hours
They made me start to feel that I was special
But I still feel inadequate and unfit.
I feel like I failed the basic requirements in life.
They are now the most important things in my pathetic existence
Those two shall be blessed by me as I pray
For their lives to be meaningful and happy
Be everything that I am not
To live the life I had lost and shattered along the dark path
A cool sweat covers my body and once again reminds me
I have failed. I was no where close to success.
God has blessed me with special guardians
Thou they are not angels, they shall have to be enough
They stopped me from dieing from self hate and remorse
From lament of myself and my actions over my frail life.
But why do I remain tired and full of sadness
Why isn’t fading away? Why does it stay?
My eyes are heavy but my thought purge my sleep
It will be a long night of dark and deep sleepless night mares
It too much to take and I want to run away but I can
I have to face this problem
It will only return if I put it away like I have always done in the past
Tonight…in this early hour I shall change that
I hope. I wish. But it probably won’t be any different
Things never seem to get better with me. Only much worse
Convincing my self to push harder then ever only worries me
Why thou. Why does it scare me? What do I fear?
I am so damn confused. Where the light in these shadows filled fields
I am at war with myself. And both sides are losing
I shift my thought to the beautiful, precious being
She fills me with happiness for that small moment
I feel myself drifting into sleep…he touch sooths my soul
I pray tomorrow bring more answers
For tonight I am alone and tomorrow I will be too
Change is slow but I still have that small glow of hope
Faith pulls me through this sad life
My eyes close and now I sleep…for the time being

09/08/05






The Next Day…

So I slept on it. As many people say you should
I still feel inadequate and stupid. The difference is this:
I realize I am not alone. There are still people out there who care
They are there to help you but they are not perfect.
Their words start to heal the wounds but they still bleed
It’s up to yourself to heal your personal injuries.
It takes time, it takes energy, it takes all of your heart
To change you must be dedicated. I don’t know if I am.
I still feel tired and useless. I am still sick with some unknown sickness
It’s amazing how deep the blade of hurtful words can dig
It changes your whole perspective. Your whole outlook in life
Am I supposed to be ‘all better’ now? Well I am not!
What is my problem? I can’t pin point it. There is something in the way
Why can’t I keep the faith? Why do I find that I give up?
All there is left to do is do what I am doing now.
I will do the things I am good at with passion
And try harder to improve the things I have failed at
All is not lost. I still have something left
My soul is hanging on. My mind is telling me to stop this nonsense
For I am just putting myself in a place.
A place where I am not satisfied, not happy and always sad
There is a thick fog and it is always dark as night
There is no where to rest and the ground is rocky
And the horizon goes on and on into the nothingness
There are no signs of hope there. None.
The only way out is through yourself
But today there is a breeze in the air and the sun is shining
I believe it to be an omen. A good one.
The wind always brings comfort to me.
Lets me relax and forget. So I stood out side for a long while
Facing the wind as I looked into the valley
That valley. It borders my home.
I feel such a bound with that valley
It will always be a sign of hospitality
There is something. I sense it as the wind passes me
Somewhere, someone is showing me that it is going to be okay
There is a slight smile on my face. And I can thank no one.
I don’t know who did this. But I thank you, whoever you are.
Is it God? That’s the only explanation so far.  
It’s a new day. Maybe a new life.
Or will I fall back in that hole that I seem to always find myself in.
But no! I will stay faithful. I keep the high spirits
Hope, Faith, Love and Joy is all I will ever need

09/08/05